I cut my penus on the lid.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
