he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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