Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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