I'm really into asian looking animals
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
