I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
