Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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