I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
