tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
