Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
