I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
