I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
