Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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