$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
50% drunk capacity currently
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
