and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
