a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
