I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i already hear my dad disowning me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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