whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
