Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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