Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
