kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize