she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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