I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
