I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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