So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize