My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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