Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
A bitchslap is in order.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
