Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
