Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
