i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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