he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
