I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
