there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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