my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
