I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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