I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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