I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
