burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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