My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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