"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
