He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
