You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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