I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize