I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
