I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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