Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
