is your mom at the bar?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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