how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
