No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
