A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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