Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
