Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
