I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
