So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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