Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
