u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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