I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
