At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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