I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
