i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
