i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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