i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Damn victory sex feels great
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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