your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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