stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
