I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
