Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
