do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Boobs speak an international language.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
