So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
