I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
